green
By Amirah Datwani
my favourite song is the one i heard
when our romance slowly unfurled
it was just like a movie
my hands in your hair, how unruly
even when the rain came
with pain
i held on
to our bond
then you left me crying in the dark
hoping i would once again feel that spark
but nothing ever worked
yet your shadow always lurked
and i still have the memories
how we were so free
so it might still be
my favourite song
fantasy
filled with trees
nature
has broken me
sent me a man
who could never
love me back
came along
in his pickup truck
the girl in the back
revealed herself, in the heart i was struck
she didn't know either
he had another lover
i burned all the pictures
of us
in his stupid pickup truck
she swelled with pride
she won him and his green eyes
i watched them
making their plans
stars in their eyes
i wish he was mine
shooting stars
litter my laughs
tally marks on my walls
counting every wish
i'm not happy for them
i'm so selfish
is it that hard to believe that i'm not confused? that i'm not lonely?
this
is
not
a
phase
there are reasons green grey black stripes are held in my hands. i'm just a normal girl with an identity. i used to wish for you to be mine, but then you claimed i wasn't doing enough. just because i'm who i am.
in that case, i don't want you! i'm still trying to figure it out, so sorry if that makes you want to run. let me feel what i feel. everyone is different, but just remember that you are not welcome anywhere near me.
you could make a dirty old trench coat
look so good
fairytales were the horses we rode
just 'cause we could
but now
our perfect days are over
you used to be my lover
but the rain came in and so did pain
battle scars/broken hearts
darkness broke us apart
shattered everything we lived for
the rain came and ended us
perfection? no, just lust
that withered away, day by day
and nothing's left
now
i've been standing
staring
at this metal wall
for days now
left behind
everyone will move on without me
your new life is sparkling
where are the lonely people i need to be around
lift each other up
bring back the sun
it seems like no one is sad
no one is mad
or bad
this golden universe
doesn't like me, does it?
i'm coming undone and there's no one around
except my voice, vibrating, i hate the sound
i want to punch through the mirror
no one can see clearer
or can they?
because the family i chose
they would shower me with every rose
just to make me happy
just to hear me laughing
if i starve myself
ruin my life
they'll never abide
i'll stay alive
stay alive
because they love me
they make me happy
they'll help repair me
they've done it before
held me closer to their hearts
it's 'cause of them i haven't jumped into a car
or driven my lime green one into a wall
i know
i'm safe
now
the world is dangerous, so i've had to become so too. my friends say i am just like a jungle, with its ominous peril and lies. but i am more. i am the jungle. my skin is the colour of bark on a thin yet so young tree. the hair on my arms twist and disgust others for the naturalness of it all. when i'm cold and angry, i will break and wither. my huntsman, i'm waiting for you to cut me down with all your power. i know you want to, for i am nothing but an inconvenience. my tears are the flood to ruin your forest fire. burn, burn, burn. sometimes i wish i could go away, but legacies and seeds would keep me alive anyway. your corporate, lean smile claims generosity, but i know better. you're the one unleashing smoke into my cavities and slowly killing me. and i'll let you, because what else can i do?
some sort of greenish leaf
will please my lover when i twist his life
shred it into pieces, both of us not breathing
leave me leave me leave me
reincarnate me like a satyr
my flowers will need your nourishment more
don't touch me, don't grab me
overwhelm me
rip me out, from the root
stem dilutes
cut cut cut
mutilated to the petal
grounded in the soil
bury me bury me bury me
under the stones
i'll be better
after i'm gone
scratch the surface of the screen
it's barely breaking, cracking
giving me any sort of feeling
i just want the voices to stop
telling me about things happening i don't want
cutting down green trees
stabbing women with their spears
just like they used to
i thought we were moving forward
marry me
woodland wedding
leafy greens
set it out
make me smile
invite both families
set yourself free
just please please please
marry me
this is my dream/hope/request/demand/life
golden hearts tied to your life
hunt me down, beauty bright
i don't want to fly again
now that you've locked me down
shattered the one thing you ever gave me, a crown
a reputation
emerald lights when we used to dance
made a reindeer start to prance
clay-made children of ours
who will help me survive these hours?
no, i don't want to fly again
don't want another beneficial friend
you broke my heart
i'm not ready to start again
soft tints of light fire
paper glints, burning, tired
born, reborn
like some war-torn country being
rebuilt
like cut-down trees reversing their splice
like glaciers forming from melted ice
i might be a miracle
it spreads and spreads until it covers me up and i can't breathe. it gets infected until i scar. completely. my blood and flesh become just me. what happened to my brain? my heart?
you happened.